


Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

by lydiamrtin



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mentions of Red - Freeform, Nicky's POV, cause theres a lot of red and nicky feels on nicky's end, i just realized the title sounds kinda like one of them died omg i promise its not like that, nicky's so in love with lorna it hurts the saga continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamrtin/pseuds/lydiamrtin
Summary: From a prompt I received on tumblr about Nicky getting released from Litchfield and saying goodbye to Lorna. This story is a future fic that follows all normal events of canon





	Don't Forget Me When I'm Gone

Nicky can’t fathom the fact that she’s getting out of prison today. It’s almost too much for her to take in. She’s been dreaming of this moment, imagining the way it would play out since the moment she was admitted, but now that it’s here . .

She almost doesn’t want it anymore.

It’s like every doubt she’s ever had about getting her life back under control on the outside has risen to the surface of her mind, and she fears that literally anything could go wrong. She’s never worked a day in her life, and thanks to Marka constantly throwing fistfulls of money in her face every time she needed as much as a coffee she’s never familiarized herself with any skills necessary to succeed in the real world.

And now she doesn’t have anyone on the outside to help her. She doesn’t have any place to stay or go. She arranged for her mother to pick her up, but Marka made it very clear over the phone just how little she cared for Nicky’s release, and just how little patience she had for the amount of time she could stay at her place.

___

 

_“Hello?”_

_Marka’s subtle, almost hidden annoyance floods through the receiver and pierces Nicky straight through her heart. She hasn’t called Marka in over 2 years, and unsurprisingly she still has that same cold, indifferent exterior that Nicky’s spent far too many years trying fruitlessly to shatter._

_“Hey, Marka . . . It’s me, Nicky.”_

_“Oh, Nicky . . .”_

_But it isn’t an “Oh, Nicky” that worried mothers speak in soft, concerned tones to their children when they’ve scraped their knees or broken their arms. It’s an “Oh, Nicky” that says, really? Now what? Nicky feels like a pest that’s come back to bug her mother after a long hibernation. She feels like a kid on the playground playing tag, going in circles and circles._

_“Look-” Nicky runs a distressed hand through her hair and fiddles with her shirt as she prepares to continue, but Marka doesn’t wait a second._

_“Honey, I know that thinking about others’ lives outside of your own has always been a difficult concept for you, but I’m about to go into a very important meeting and I can’t have you making me late to work because you need me to buy you toothpaste or facewash.”_

_Like they can just reschedule their call for later that afternoon, like they’re just old friends planning to catch up over coffee and croissants instead of Nicky using what little phone time she has left to say that she’s getting out, sooner than she expected. But it’s not like she’s about to tell her own mother she lost track of her date amongst all the drugs and the other craziness that happened throughout her sentence. Also the small detail that she has nowhere else to go. So she collects herself, takes a steadying breath, and proceeds to speak as politely as she can, in a way that doesn’t end with them screaming at each other._

_You need something from her, Nicky reminds herself. Don’t be too much like you._

_“Okay, okay, look. I get it, I get I’m making you late to your meeting and maybe you won’t impress those big corporate bastards quite as much as you already would have with the outfit I’m imagining you’re wearing right now, but before you lose your shit,” Nicky starts, taking a deep breath and shaking her head, “I’m actually calling cause I have good news for a change, believe it or not.”_

_So much for not being too much herself._

_“They decided not to press your drug charges after your cooperation with MCC,” Marka says, sounding even more exasperated now. “I know that, Nicky, your father already told me."_

_Like hearing that her child wasn’t going to spend 70 extra years in prison for crimes she didn’t even commit is just like a monotonous work alert on her phone, an annoying popup on her desk that won’t go away._

_“Not that,” Nicky says, hardly even surprised that Marka managed to suck the joy out of even something as seemingly exciting as getting out of prison. But she doesn’t know how much joy she even had to begin with._

_“I’m getting out,” she says, pausing a moment and waiting for the words to settle in._

_Silence hangs over the phone like steel trap, closing Nicky in and making each second that ticks by feel like an hour._

_“Hello? I said I’m getting out, incase you didn’t hear me. My date is up. The end is near. How much more clearer do you want me to say it?” she asks._

_“No no no, I heard you, I just . . .”_

_Nicky can feel her distress. It’s like a bug, it’s contagious._

_“That just doesn’t even seem real, after so long,” Marka continues, which Nicky will give to her. That’s fair._

_“Yeah, you’re tellin me.”_

_“When’s your date?”_

_“June 30th. So are we meeting in person sometime to talk about this?”_

_“What? Meet you in person?” Marka sounds far more surprised than Nicky would have expected, and she sounds almost . . . Appalled, or even offended that Nicky would ask at all._

_“Have some perspective, Nicky. Do you really think it’s realistic to ask me to drop everything at a moment’s notice and drive three hours away just to sit down and talk to you?”_

_Nicky feels hurt spread in her stomach, but she nods to her words regardless because it’s how Marka’s always treated her, and she knows that arguing is useless. Her own needs have become secondary to Marka’s, and shoving aside her emotions just to keep Marka’s anger at bay has become one of her most basic emotional instincts._

_Marka may never have hit her or let her go hungry, but she left Nicky so deprived of basic affection that over the years she developed this emptiness in her chest, this void that begged to be filled by any means necessary. Even if it meant shooting heroin up her veins, Nicky just needed to quench her thirst for emotional security with something, anything other than nothing. And drugs were the only thing that made her feel somewhat at peace with herself and her life._

_“Of course not,” Nicky says with a soft smile, shaking her head. Why’d she even ask? Why’d she let herself slip like that?_

_“But look, after being in prison for the better part of four years I don’t actually have a place to stay right now. Just save me the embarrassment and understand that this is really hard for me to ask, alright?”_

_Marka sighs, and Nicky feels a pang in her chest._

_“I’m not a monster, Nicky. I’m not turning you away, what kind of mother would that make me?”_

_Nicky actually bites her tongue to keep herself from laughing at that obvious joke._

_“I’ll arrange for someone to pick you up and bring you back to the city,” Marka says, “but you aren’t staying. You’re not bringing any drugs or God knows what else into my house.”_

_She sounds uncomfortable, anxious, like she’d give any amount of money to get out of this conversation right now._

_Nicky feels a dampness in her eyes and a tug at the back of her throat. She nods her head vigorously as to somehow align her body language with the certifiably hopeless mess of her mind._

_“Noted. And we should really have more of these talks, cause it’s great for my morale,” Nicky says bitingly. After all this time, Marka is still able to hold power over her and affect her in the cruelest kind of ways that she’s spent only a lifetime at war with._

_“Cause I’m_ really _eager to swing right back into my old routine and re-ruin my life the minute I step outside of prison, y’know, cause that worked out so well for me the first time. Maybe if you hadn’t shut me up with money so much when I clearly just needed help, then we wouldn’t be in this situation right now and you’d be back in your office sucking off whoever CEO it is that’s letting you bribe him into helping him run his company in the first place.”_

_“You know what, Nicky? Rotting away in prison hasn’t done you an ounce of good like it would’ve any normal, somewhat sane person,” Marka says loudly, voice boiling with bitter resentment. “And I can’t be held responsible for the fact that after all this time you still choose to blame me for your problems. When are you gonna finally learn how to take responsibility for yourself and grow the fuck up?” she asks, tone rising in agitation. “Who am I kidding?” She chuckles to herself, and Nicky can see her shaking her head in disappointment over the phone. “At this point, I doubt you ever will.”_

_Nicky closes her eyes and purses her lips, biting her tongue to keep from spilling out exactly how she feels about Marka and losing the only place she has left to stay once she leaves prison. She slams the phone down, waiting until she’s sure the line is dead to lean to the wall on the side and finally let herself break down. Marka has this foolproof, flawless method of crumbling her resolve so quickly she’s left with nothing but crumbs to piece together by the time she’s done._

_She hasn’t been able to keep it together after a conversation with her for over six years, and she knows deep down she won’t begin to recover from the damage her mother’s inflicted upon her until she works more on herself, but she can’t work on herself, when she doesn’t even know where to begin. When did she start slipping, and what caused her to fall down so quickly, so roughly? Nicky’s dangerous, a reckless soul, and she’s afraid more than anything that she’s just not fixable, that, like Marka used to always tell her, she’s just wired the wrong way, and that there’s nothing she can ever do to change. And there’s no fixing something like that._

_“Move it along, inmate. Phone time’s over,” a guard calls over to her, harsh tone blaring loud in her eardrums. Nicky forces herself to stand up, wiping her eyes and fluffing out her hair before wordlessly stepping away from the cubicle and heading back towards to her room where she can curl up on her bed and fall apart in peace._

 

_____

 

“Nicky, you’re not gettin out. You’re not leavin us, hun. I don’t know how I’m gonna manage in here without you.”

Lorna’s voice wavers as her hands grasp tightly onto Nicky’s arms, pulling her in just enough to keep the COs at bay but still enough to tug at Nicky’s chest harder than she’s ever felt before. Leaving Lorna is something that, until this very moment, she’s shoved deep down, and Nicky can’t handle this onset of emotions that are hitting her all at once. Any time she experiences more than one small wave of affection or care, she feels completely overwhelmed to the point where she can no longer physically handle herself. 

“You’re gonna be just fine, Lorna,” Nicky says, reaching for her waist and thumbing her sides softly. “Just keep your head down, do your time right, and don’t piss anybody off, alright? I don’t wanna get any phone calls about any crazy bitches trying to steal your date.”

“You’ve single handedly caused more stirrups and drama in here in the last year than I have my entire sentence,” Lorna tells her with a chuckle, tone taking on a bit of whine. She’s almost challenging Nicky to a sort of playful banter, cause the ideas easier than letting her go, and bantering is familiar, it’s them. They’ve done a lot of things, but goodbye is not one of them. Not like this, not when it’s prepared. When Nicky was getting carted off to max, she knew Lorna didn’t have any time to process what was happening to her, and seeing her and Red’s faces drop and fill with fear is one of the worst memories she’s ever had. She spent her entire time in max hanging on by the dangerously loose thread that Lorna loved her, too, and that if she ever got out she would return to be loved and cared for by the one she loved most.

It didn’t take her long to shatter that delusion.

But it didn’t even matter, because Luschek coming in to see her before her return to minimum ripped a hole in her chest, for an entirely different reason. He was a reminder of what a complete and utter failure she was. Everyone she’s loved in her life has left her, and seeing him just reminded her how deluded her fantasy was, and that there was no possible way that Red or Lorna could ever love her again after thinking they lost her to drugs for the last time.

Marka didn’t stay with her after losing her to drugs one too many times, and Nicky knew she’d lost count with Red long before her trip to max. Using again after seeing Luschek was the easiest drop off sobriety she’d ever had, because if she wasn’t living for anything then she might as well live to get high. She had no remorse, no sense of reason left to hold on to a fight she’d been destined to lose.

That’s one of the things that scares Nicky the most. On the outside, she won’t have anyone dictating her actions or choices anywhere close to the degree that they have been in prison. Marka may have told her no drugs, but Nicky’s confident that they both know if she really wants to satiate her addictive tendencies, then she’ll do it. She’ll find a way to pass drug tests from parole because she’s done it before and she can do it again.

She feels the grip on her arms tighten, and realizes she hasn’t responded to Lorna yet. Jesus, she hasn’t even gotten released yet and she’s already spiraling. Nicky can already think of several people she can hit up for drugs, and what terrifies her is that she doesn’t even feel an ounce of remorse anymore. Marka will most certainly hand her a fistfull of cash for a phone, so Nicky presumes it will be a matter of hours from the time she gets home that she can score some drugs. It’s impeccable, how quickly she’s able to calculate the time frames for things like this while having never been able to lead her life in any somewhat reasonable fashion.

“What can I say, it’s been a wild ride,” she says, removing her hands from Lorna’s sides and brushing a hand through her hair. “But out of everybody here, I think we can both agree I’ve been one of the saner ones, which you know is saying something.”

Lorna laughs, shaking her head fondly. “I’m really gonna miss you around here.”

Nicky looks into her eyes, making sure Lorna really has her attention before saying, “I’m gonna miss you, too, kid.” She leans in and wraps her arms around Lorna once again, hugging her tight and feeling guilt in her chest for enjoying this contact when they both know what it means.

“Hey! No touching,” shouts a CO.

Nicky presses her hands into Lorna’s sides harder for just a second, before pulling away and grabbing her right arm with her left to keep her from reaching out for the brunette again. It’s a habit of hers. Physical self-restraint will eventually translate into her emotional restraint. At least, that’s what she tells herself.

Lorna sighs, stepping back from Nicky. There’s a soft, most unfamiliar look in her eyes that Nicky can’t quite contemplate.

“You really should be more excited about this, Nik. You know, if it were me right now I’d be throwing the closest prison-equivalent of a party that I could,” Lorna says.

“I know you would. But you know me, I’ve never been much of a party person. It’s too much sensory overload,” Nicky says, knowingly sidestepping the point Lorna was trying to make.

“Nicky.”

“Look, I know I should be all excited and thanking my lucky stars I actually made it to this day,” Nicky begins, because she always makes sure to acknowledge Lorna’s side first before pleading her case, “but it’s a lot different when you’re just thinking about it. It’s actually happening for me now. This is real, kid.” She gestures all around her, as if she herself hasn’t even fully come to terms with the immediate physical reality around her. In this moment, she isn’t certain she has. “And I don’t know how I feel yet.”

“Honey, it’s gonna be okay. You gotta understand, anything’s better than here. Even if you’re curled up on Marka’s couch for a couple months, it’s still better than here.”

 _But I won’t have you,_ Nicky doesn’t say.

“Yeah. You’re right,” she says, finding herself nodding. Because Lorna has a point. But Nicky’s face still scrunches up in distaste at the idea of sleeping on the sofa like a dog because on the whim that Marka does have a spare bedroom available, the likelihood that she’d give it to Nicky is even smaller.

“Anything’s better than this shithole. But I’m tellin ya, I’m really gonna miss sleeping with the lights on and shitting with an audience. More than anything else.”

Lorna laughs. “I bet Red’s real happy that you’re leaving.”

Nicky feels a lurch in her chest. “We talked about it. She’s . . . Handling it, so to speak, the best way she knows how.”

“Red’s a strong lady. But she’s never been very good at dealing with her emotions.”

“Something we’ve always had in common.” Nicky finds herself smiling just from thinking about Red, and remembering back to the last hug they shared, filled with more love and emotion than Nicky’s ever received from anybody in her life. Because as much as she cares for Lorna, Red has something special with her that can’t quite be replaced by anyone else. She’s fostered an unconditional love for her that lifts Nicky from the lowest points of her life and draws her back to herself when she doesn’t even remember who “she” is. Red has demonstrated unwavering care to her from the moment they met, and Nicky has always wondered what the catch is. What kind of complicated guilt does is she harboring for her to project her protective tendencies onto Nicky so strongly, and is she actually someone Red loves or is she just a last shot in the dark at Red’s chance to raise a child? Nicky doesn’t want to think about that right now.

“I’ve always thought about your irrationality and your impulsivity as two of your best qualities,” Lorna says. “I like the Nicky that rules with her heart, not her head. That’s the girl I know and love.”

 _Love._ Nicky feels an uptick in her chest, and her cheeks blush.

“That’s cause you’re a hopeless romantic who’s never led with her head a day in her life,” she quips back, poking Lorna in the chest affectionately. Lorna grins shyly in response, and that’s how Nicky knows she’s right.

“Time’s up, Nichols! Time to move out,” shouts the CO again, causing both Lorna and Nicky to jump from the suddenness. Nicky sighs, turning from Lorna to the CO to give him a pointed glare.

“You want out of here or not?” he asks, unphased. To Nicky’s silence he responds, “That’s what I thought. Let’s go.”

Nicky turns back to Lorna one more time, now seeing a mixture of fear and desperation in her eyes, gleaming at her like they’re begging her to stay for just a little longer.

“I don’t want you to go, Nicky.” Lorna steps closer to her, hands trembling and lips pursed, like she’s preventing her lip from quivering. “I know you’re about to leave and this is your big day, and I’m _really_ tryin to be happy for you right now, sweetie, but you’re makin it really hard.”

Nicky finds herself reaching for Lorna again, taking her hands in hers and bringing them up to kiss them. “It’s okay. I know, babe. Just be good for me, alright? And I’m serious, don’t get into anyone’s shit. I love you.”

Lorna’s cheeks spread into a big smile, and Nicky practically floats from happiness at the sight.

“I’m gonna call ya,” Lorna says. “Tomorrow, once you’re all settled in and gotten a good night’s sleep, I’m gonna call you with the number you gave me, okay?”

She looks ready to cry, and something in Nicky breaks. Lorna cried when she went to max. She cried when she found out Nicky was using again, and she cried when Nicky was lying in a hospital bed barely having gotten out alive. She _cares._ Nicky bites her lip to keep from smiling too hard. _God,_ she loves this girl so fucking much.

“And I’m gonna answer,” Nicky says. “And I’m probably gonna bitch about Marka cause the woman drives me nuts if I’m in a room with her longer than five fucking minutes, so prepare for that possibility.”

If Lorna’s calling her tomorrow, that already is enough incentive for her to not even think about going out and getting drugs tonight. As for tomorrow, she’ll take that when it comes. Nicky’s deciding to go one day at a time, and she knows maybe already that’s an unhealthy mindset to go off of in terms of fending off addiction because there’s no way Lorna’s gonna call her as often as she says she’s going to, but for now it’s more than enough.

“Remember to be nice,” Lorna tells her, raising her eyebrows at her. “I know she drives you crazy, hun, but you gotta remember she’s your key to getting back up on your feet. I don’t wanna see you out on the streets selling yourself for money when I get out, okay? Be nice to her.”

Lorna doesn’t understand, probably never will, just how their relationship works. What Nicky and Marka have doesn’t thrive off of civility, or niceness. It thrives off of mutual resentment and hatred, because without an emotional punching bag to hit Marka would be far more tightly wound and bottled up than she already is, and Nicky would just be . . . somewhat normal. It’s perfectly healthy.

“No promises.” Nicky winks at her and grins. “I’m outta here, babe.” As she leans in toward Lorna, she hears the guard shout her name but pays him no mind as she plants a kiss on the girl’s forehead. Lorna smiles softly and takes the chance to wrap her arms around Nicky’s neck one last time, burying her head in her shoulder and giving Nicky no choice but to hug her back, squeezing her as tightly as she possibly can. _She doesn’t want to leave, she doesn’t want to leave._

Nicky doesn’t want to go back to the fear of not knowing where her next meal would come from, and she doesn’t want to live once again at Marka’s mercy knowing full well she isn’t allowed to say anything she wants for fear of getting kicked back out to the streets. Even more so, she doesn’t want to fall under the influence of her old friends and dealers once again, because the way they originally reeled her in wasn’t how much they wanted her to use heroin, but how much they didn’t care whether she used at all. That nonchalance, that indifference to any choice Nicky made, marked the starting point of her addiction because without people guiding her, she doesn’t know when to stop.

“Hey, I said break it up!” The CO yanks Nicky back from Lorna, forcefully separating the two and casting a spell of bitter resentment in Nicky’s heart. She just needed one last tender moment with Lorna to get her through this next year and a half, because in relativity it doesn’t seem like that much time but without the girl she loves at her side a year and a half feels as long as a lifetime. It’s funny, because only Nicky would find a way to start wishing away her life outside of prison before she even stepped from behind the bars. Lorna drives her absolutely crazy.

She waves at Lorna, smiling sadly and mouthing bye before turning around, purposefully not looking at her big, bright eyes filled with so much emotion it would put a dagger straight through her heart and split it in two. It’s impossible, because her heart’s already been broken by Lorna countless times. Her heart breaks every time she looks at the girl. She doesn’t know how it’s possible to imagine a better life without Lorna there with her, and she knows it’s crazy to prefer prison over freedom, but that’s what Lorna does to her. She gets inside her head and twists all her logic to aim it straight in the opposite direction it’s supposed to go, and for what? Lorna’s never shown her reciprocity, she’s never sat Nicky down and told her she loves her the way Nicky always has. The part of this that gets Nicky the most, more than any sort of abnormally high apathy towards her new-come freedom, is that all that she feels for Lorna, is felt with no regard for how Lorna feels back. It’s unconditional, unbending, and unlikely to ever change. Nicky realizes with a sadness spreading through her chest that she doesn’t even care. And she’s okay with that.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a quick little thing I wrote cause I was getting into some feels and sorta relating this prompt idea to my situation of leaving my home town for sophomore year of college. I couldn't be more excited to be back at school, but at the same time it's been hard leaving behind the people I love again so the effects are really polarizing for me right now. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy! Tumblr is nickymorello, feel free to shoot me an ask or send me prompts my inbox is always open unless stated in my bio :) Thanks for reading, guys!


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